I’m back. I needed a break from the review scene- I had bitten off more than I could chew with the Black Webcomic Roundup, and it had gotten to be a chore instead of something fun. But, now I’m back, and ready to blog about comics again, starting next week.

On a completely different note, I am going to talk to you for about 700 words about snack cakes. Think of it as a warm-up blog, or dessert before a real meal next week.

This might be because I grew up in Brooklyn, or because I have a head full of sweet teeth (and the fillings to prove it, but that’s also partly genetics) but I’ve had a deep and abiding affection for the confections of one auburn-haired little girl ever since I was old enough to buy my own lunches.

A auburn-haired little girl who’s done a lot of ‘filling out,’ if you catch my meaning.

Why all the double entendres, you ask? Well, I’ll tell you. The Little Debbie cakes that I have known and loved for so long have- well, for lack of a better phrase, grown up.

Simply put: In a world where low-carb battles size acceptance on a daily basis, the good people over at McKee Foods have flown full in the face of any sort of nutritional guidelines, and doubled the size of several of their products. Cakes affected by this growth spurt include, but are probably not limited to their Zebra Cakes, Oatmeal Creme Pies (which are somehow listed as ‘cookies’), and Swiss Rolls. In addition, the prices of said items have doubled as well, from $.25 printed on the packaging to $.50. (The original sizes are still available, but they have increased in price up to $.35 cents, and are not as readily available in most places that I know of as the plus-size snacks.)

While this makes perfect sense, as you’re getting twice the snack, I can’t help but ask myself, does America, especially low-income America where these items are pretty much exclusively sold, really need bigger Little Debbie cakes?

Furthermore, should these ‘bigger and more’ cakes really be crowding out their smaller-boned brethren at the local bodegas? I haven’t seen much of the smaller breeds of Ms. Debbie’s wares in my neighborhood for some time lately, and in a fit of lunchtime pique, I took home a ‘Double Decker Oatmeal Creme Pie,’ along with a ‘America’s Original Swiss Cake Rolls.’ Each of these cakes weighs in at 3.8 ounces. Let me rephrase that.

EACH OF THESE CAKES IS NEARLY A QUARTER POUND.

After cooking. Unlike some other foods out there.

Compare the sizes of the ‘Big Snack’to the ‘Single Serve.’ Let’s use the Oatmeal Creme Pies, because that’s what spurred me to write this. I don’t have a camera, so you’ll have to look at their website, unless I get one soon.

Anyway, in all its forms, (and this may be the cognitive dissonance talking) the Big Snack is simply HUGE. I wish I could show you how big this thing is, say compared to my wallet. It’s like someone took a normal Little Debbie Oatmeal Creme Pie, then took half of another one, and mashed the two of them together. Not only do they have the nerve to call this a cookie (and worse yet, a single serving, at that!), but they also refer to it as a ‘snack.’

It’s something that probably should never been put into mass production, instead belonging in the realms of ‘DIY Pimped-out food.’ I felt like a slob just holding it in my hand.

I took two bites (yeah, I ate it; weren’t you reading the first paragraph?), then the part of my brain that made me do Tae-bo that morning demanded that we stop eating this’ thing. So, I cut it in half, then ate the half with the bites in it, and glanced at the back of the wrapper, at the ‘Nutrition Facts.’

What I found was shocking. See for yourself (click for fullview):

That’s right folks. For only $.50, you can have 28% of your Daily Value of fat, and 8% of your fiber for a day!

I’m not sure what else to say, really, aside from that short of deep-frying these things, you probably couldn’t make them any worse for you, and expecting people to eat this much of them at once is more than a little absurd. But then again, not much about Little Debbie is so little anymore, it seems.

I’ll see you next week for a return to webcomic reviews. Right now I need to go for a run.