In more recent combats, the Spartan crushed the Ninja, in a contest that I had actually thought too close to call. The Ninja team did some hard selling, and their displays of prowess were remarkable. But as it turned out, the Ninja could ‘hurt the Spartan, but could not kill the Spartan’, whereas the Spartan’s attacks would demolish the Ninja each time they struck. There are compelling arguments about some of the Ninja’s weaponry, most notably the black eggs, but apparently the computerized judging system doesn’t take disabling blows into account, only killing ones. Tripping and blinding the Spartan should have given the Ninja a greater percentage of wins, if not the win. Still, I’m happy that a tank took the victory.

Ninja beats Samurai, but Spartan Beats Ninja. Therefore, Spartan beats Samurai, and also beats Viking. Deadliest Warrior Math at its finest.

Next week is Pirate versus Knight, and I’m super-excited. While the Knight has full plate armor, some kind of big, honking shield, and a large range of weapons ranging from d6s to d12s worth of damage, the Pirate has an ace in the hole that no one suspected:

Epic. Hip Hop. Music.

Phat beats. It's what they use to fight ninjas.

Some of the music’s content alone would offend the Knight’s chivalric sensibilities to the point where the Pirate would be able to get a hit or two in, but on the whole, Captain Dan and the Scurvy Crew: From the Seas to the Streets is definitely worth a listen, even if you’ve never held a Letter of Marque.

C'mon. You know what I'm talking about.

I’ve always had a smiling and nodding acquaintance with pirates. Well, the popularized sort of pirates, who start every other sentence with ‘Arr’,'Nyar’, or in some rare cases, ‘Argh’.’ I’ve also been a longtime fan of rap music, and not always that which the General Public gives the biggest accolades to. “Macho Man” Randy Savage’s album, Be A Man, is prominent among my collection, for example.So when I came across “the most epic collection of pirate hip hop songs ever produced,” I was blown away.

The album is immersive. The beats bring the obvious nautical theme to mind, without being overly so, even when drawing directly from obvious staple songs, like ‘Blow the Man Down’, or ‘Drunken Sailor’.’ Other tracks, like ‘From the Seas to the Streets’ and ‘On the Account’ have more of a hip-hop feel to them, with an undercurrent of instrumentation that swells and ebbs like the tide.

The album features a wide and varied cast of swashbucklers, but the best two, as far as this blogger is concerned are Sea Dawg, the Scurvy Crew’s quartermaster, and Admirality, the representative of the, well, Admirality and the Royal British Navy, as well as a foil for the Crew. I think that this is because they never ‘break character’, with prochronism like some of the others (most notably Scott Free) do. That, and I find Sea Dawg’s nearly monotone delivery along with Admirality’s Britishesque pomp and swagger highly entertaining.

As for the lyrical content, as I mentioned, the album is unabashedly bawdy at times, although there is a relatively low expletive per minute ratio. The songs range from simple daily pirate life themes, like recruiting sailors or the pirate’s code, to the ridiculous, like Santa Claus, who seems to have clearly chosen a side in everyone’s favorite Internet meme rivalry. There’s even a few (not entirely flattering or PC) songs about wenches.

So, to conclude, the question of whether or not a flintlock pistol can fire a bullet through full plate has yet to be determined, but if it were a Battle of the Bands, then the Pirate would have The Edge, because the mic is just deadlier than the lute.